Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
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Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.