I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
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If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I think they could have phrased this better
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain