there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
So sick of all these stupid rules
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.