It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
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Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.