I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
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I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium