Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
My birth announcement for our third baby
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same