Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
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Cndnsd Mlk
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.