i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
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I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.