For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work