When someone trying to leave me
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My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.