A collection of me turning into random objects.
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor