19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
You Might Also Like
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life