Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.