Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I wish I were this cool 😂
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
greetings!
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
S/o to @funTweeters .
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!