[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
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yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
August 8
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Aaaa…CHOO!
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics