Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
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ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.