Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
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NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
If looks could kill
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?