when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
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Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?