Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour