This is me
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.