What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”