Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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I hope they boil the right one.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Boating season is upon us.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]