“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
this is uni
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”