If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
You Might Also Like
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
This is my pinned tweet
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
With this onion ring, I thee fed
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*