When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
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Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.