Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind