Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
You saw nothing. I am ham.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Hotels are back
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]