Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
You Might Also Like
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.