Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
what it’s like dating me:
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Heroic Misunderstanding
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.