“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.