I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
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Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
How did we not see this back then?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps