At least he brought enough for everyone
You Might Also Like
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
not to brag, but mine was free
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam