[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
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Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
water it, i dare you
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery