Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
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“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.