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I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.