‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
You Might Also Like
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
The struggle is real.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.