With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
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[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?