me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
🖤✌🏽
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
*cough*
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share