Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
An odd boast
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I feel seen.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper