She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.