instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
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Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.