Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I need better friends
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
The game has officially changed 😎
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad