me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
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We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
nice challenge
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?