*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
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why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
😂🤣😂🤣
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.