Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
You Might Also Like
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
ACED my prostate exam!
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol