What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
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[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.