Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
“you recording!?”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them