Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Looking at you, Jesus.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon