replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
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My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
dutch so unserious
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.