her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
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*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!