[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone